I want your lovin

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lost it

i’ll never be good for anyone. Lose some weight fat ass.


Im a family with 4 other siblings, I’ve never been more alone. My older brother, Cultus is the MVP basketball player and has full scholarship to play for the Miami Heat in the fall. My elder sister, Cleo is studying to be a nurse in honours. My younger brother Crash is the best acdemically in his class. And last but not least, my baby brother Christon, well nothings been discovered… yet. Its intense, being the middle child with superstar siblings. All my siblings are beautiful and perfectly in shape, with my moms good genes. i have my dads genes, bad acne, overweight and all his weird skin diseases. 

These are the words that go through my head as i take the blade to my thigh. It used to be my wrist but it became harder and harder to cover. My thighs are completely covered with pain and sadness.

"Honey, can i come in?" My mom, Lois says, trying to open the locked bedroom door.

"I’m busy. Come back later."

"I have to check up on you once in a while, you know that sweetie. I care about you."

"I do to mom. I’m fine, can you please leave." I’m not fine. I’m really not.

"Ok, i’ll call you when dinner’s ready." 

Sometimes the monster in me scares me. I’m a hideous monster that is destined to be loved by no one. I hate myself and i need to leave the skin that holds me hostage. 

I leave to go to my parents washroom, and search for any drug that can take me away.

Acetaminophen- WARNING: DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN 400MG.

Do not take more than 400 mg hmm, you should take 4000. You don’t know the difference you stupid girl. Take it. Take it.

take 4000 mg just to make that voice stop. To make it all stop. 

I feel a bit hazy. Everything becomes blurry as i try to grab the edge of the sink for support. Failing, i collapse on the floor, out cold.

"Cat! Cat!" I hear my brother, Cultus say. I wake to the view of hospital beds and an attractive female nurse. 

"Thank god she’s alive!" Cleo says in scrubs. We’re at the hospital where she does her late shifts.

"What on earth were you thinking?" My dad, Alec asks in utter shock.  

"I had enough. That’s what i was thinking." I say.

"Sweetie you know if you had school problems, you could’ve came to us." my mom says, with that awful tone. she’s polite but she’s those moms that can’t handle anything but perfect.

"I was never going to go to you. Dad was to busy working for me to go to him. You have this vision of the perfect family, and since I’m not what everyone else is, you treat me like shit. Where was I last christmas when you all went to Nonnas?! At home!!" I say. 

"Well you won’t be perfect with those scars on your arm and legs."

"The nerve. Please nurse make them leave. Please." I say with tears running down my cheek.

As they are ushered out of the room, the doctor runs in.

"So, Ms. Montemayor. I have admitted you to a 27-day teen mental health wing on the third floor. You’ll be transported there by wheel chair."

Two nurses help me in the chair and start wheeling me to the ward.

"I can’t miss 27 days of school. I’ll have to catch up so much! My parents can’t afford this!" I say. I really don’t want  to go to the mental ward for teens, filled wit the psychos and druggies.

"It is for your health, Ms. Montemayor. You are suicidal and we fear that you will hurt yourself. You can discuss everything else with the doctor of the ward, Dr.Grant." 

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him

I always wondered who he was. But being the awkward person that i am, i never worked up the courage to know him.

-

"Hey do you understand what the fuck she’s saying?" The kid next to me asks. We’re in our third week of year 8 science and i never knew who he was. I never bothered talking to him or even knowing his name because i thought he found me a bit creepy.

"Uhm, no, sorry. And don’t swear to loud she might hear you!" I whisper a bit louder than i should have.

"Shh she might hear you! i’m Jason by the way, what’s yours?" 

"My what?"

"Name silly"

"Oh haha my name is Cat, Cat Montemayor."

"Yeah i know your last name, just not your first. You locker is next to mine. And we have the same last name."

"Oh! i never bothered checking who my locker people were!"

"Oh. Man i don’t get any of this shit."  Jason says before taking my packet of pens.

"Hey give those back!" I say playfully. My best friend who sits in front of us looks up then gives me a, "you want the D" look. I shake my head.

"No they are mine now." He says. The teacher gives us a short stretch break. He gets up to talk to his friend, stepping on my toe on the way.

"Ouch you stepped on my foot!" I say holding the table.

"I’m so sorry!" He says wrapping his arms around me in a hug. That was a bit odd.

"Oh, well, its ok. You can give me my pens back as a sorry present."

"Nope." he says then leaves the room.

"What’s going on between you and Jason?" MY best friend Selena asks me.

"Nothing why?"

"Because it sure seems like something is going on!"

"What are you puffing? There is nothing going on between Jason and I."

"That’s what you say now." 

"Hey, what’s that on your arm?"

"Oh nothing." I say. I always wear long sleeves to cover the scars.